Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
