woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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