idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Life is so much better after having sex.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
