i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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