whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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