Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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