Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
