Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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