Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
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so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
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I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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