He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
