i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
What a dumb baby whore.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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