Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
