Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
