Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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