Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
