Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.