Swine flu. Run for my life!
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
