I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
