i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
