His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.