do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
