Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
