Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
