It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
