If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
