I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
