So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
