Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
