This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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