If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
