First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
