i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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