Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
