Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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