It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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