I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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