And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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