Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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