my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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