Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
