Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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