3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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