Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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