Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
they're like a gay fantastic four
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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