I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
