I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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