And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
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Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Im part way to drunk.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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