I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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