I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
