tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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