Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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