I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
