Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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