There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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