My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
