he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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