my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
